Last night a potential conflict was brewing in the South China Sea after U.S. President Barack Obama dispatched heavily armed American destroyers to the scene of a naval standoff between the US and China. Obama announced that his “fingers were itchy” and that he was” tired of all this maths bullshit and ready to start nuking ninjas”

The deployment came after a weekend during which five Chinese ships were said to have ‘harassed’ an unarmed US Navy vessel in an attempt to unnerve the American crew. A military spokesperson equated the harassment to a “drunken stranger reaching around and tickling your belly button when your trying order a drink. Not only upsetting, but also perverse to the point where you’re left paralysed by indecision.”

Washington accused the Chinese ships of moving directly in front of the US Navy surveillance ship Impeccable, forcing its crew to take emergency action, and to deploy a high-pressure water hose to deter the Chinese ships. Obama is said to have ordered the nuking of all five ships before being talked down by those concerned that his willingness to move to Defcon One at every opportunity was slightly perturbing.

On a day that Mr Obama and his senior officials met the Chinese Foreign Minister, Yang Jiechi, in Washington, Beijing showed no sign of backing down. Jiechi is said to have accused America of spying, while Obama simply walked around with his index finger outstretched and mumbling “say it again ninja, say it again. Imma get my nuke on.”  

The episode complicated fragile military relations between the US and China, which appeared to have improved after the two held defence talks in Beijing last month. A hotline was established between the Chinese Defence Ministry and the Pentagon in April last year, but it is said to have only been used by Obama in his post-election period when he called to tell them that his “finger was always on the red button always.”