Patients visiting hospitals in the UK have been warned to stay away from doctors and nurses after it was revealed that the average health worker carries at least four different life-threatening diseases.

Caution has also been advised when in the vicinity of hospital staff after it was suggested that morbidly obese NHS workers could at any time fall and crush you.

The first national audit of NHS staff habits has found that high rates of obesity, smoking, absenteeism and poor mental health are having a direct impact on the quality of patient care. In addition it was found that most hospitals held unauthorised fight clubs, that the average staff lunch consisted of a Snickers washed down with pint of squeezy cheese and that the majority of Doctors were either asleep or drunk while attending patients.

The report also found that the culture of ‘NHS Incest’ – the name given to in-house staff relationships – meant that on any given day the nurse treating you was likely to be carrying several different strains of chlamydia.

The risk to people visiting hospitals was outlined by the fact that over 700,000 people left hospital with an infection that they did not have when they arrived, as well as a statistic that showed twelve accidents a day caused by ‘excess bodyfat.’

Investigators for the World health Organisation have also suggested, on the back of this report, that Swine Flu, may not have originated in pigs, but may, in fact, be a super strain of flu cultivated by disease riddled doctors constantly fornicating and sharing large bags of crisps.

Sick patients in UK hospitals are now being advised to avoid all contact with NHS staff, and instead use the Internet to self-diagnose, take whatever drugs that they can get their hands on, and hope for the best as this will probably give them a better chance of not suffocating in the ruffled stomach of an obese doctor.