Exclusive: Wentz's new look

Chicago – In a move that has stunned the ever-so-cock-fondlingly-vain world of Perez Hilton, TMZ, and the like, Fall Out Boy bassist/lyricist/all-things-”hipster Brooklyn”-entrepreneur Pete Wentz announced today that he has signed a two-year, 72-virgin deal with Hamas, the Palestinian terror juggernaut best known for getting itself and the people it purports to represent completely annihilated by the Israeli Army every two-to-three years.

Wentz’s decision comes amidst a large-scale transformation in the musician’s private life, having only knocked up Jessica Simpson’s talentless/soulless hack of a sister Ashlee a short twelve months ago.  Since squirting his (somehow fertile, despite wearing girl-jeans) fluids into the depths of Simpson’s autotuned loins, Wentz has become the principal owner of a trendy East Village nightclub, recorded a new self-flagellating album with his band, signed another half-dozen or so “flavor of the split-second”, keytar-featuring karaoke artists to his vanity record label, and blindly embraced every breath, whisper, wink, and lubricated, three-foot rectal dump offered by now-President Barack “give me the entire private sector or I’ll scream catastrophe” Obama.

Given his busy schedule, it is something of a surprise to learn that Wentz, who will be 30 in May, had the time and the energy to read – let alone grossly misinterpret – the Koran during this period of time.  Noting the musician’s proven ability to predict trends on the Billboard charts at least six months in advance, Wentz perhaps envisions a market ripe for post-Islamo-Fascist-emocore later in the year (which might similarly explain Hamas’ signings of former Decaydance acts Panic at the Wailing Wall, Cobras on an Infidel-Israeli Starship, Hey Monday is the Day of the Attack, The Hushed Sound after a Suicide Bombing, Four Year Jihad, Gym Class Mujahideen, and The Academy is…a Madrasah).

Certain similarities are undoubtedly shared in this, the most narcissistic and closeted homosexual of unions, particularly with respect to both parties suffering from deeper-than-Bosnian-mass-grave insecurity.  Additionally, Hamas and Wentz share a nostalgic penchant for suicide, whether botched (Wentz’s “Mom, where the FUCK is my .357 Magnum” Ativan overdose) or successful (members of Hamas in the presence of Israelis, Hamas’ general foreign policy undertakings).

Wentz joins an increasing number of internationally recognizable figureheads in Hamas, including actor Sean Penn, former US President Jimmy Carter, the editorial staff at the New York Times (excepting Thomas Friedman, who is a Jew, and David Brooks, who is rational), and the entire population of France.