It’s not rocket salad: If you look at enough combinations of variables, you’re bound to eventually find a correlation between two trends. It’s simple economic fact; correlation always equals causation, or something.

Here’s one to confuse Daily Mail readers: 18-months-ago a credulous group of graph and chart drawing types came to the conclusion that it was the relocation of gay men couples into an area that sent both prices spiraling and ignorant slightly-fascist, anti-gay types running for the heterosexual hills.

Now, in the same vein that the successful preparation for the 2012 Olympic games in London has helped drag the east end of the capital up from its apocalyptic little state – the Government Housing Department is proposing the enforced relocation of gay men into so-called ‘gay ghettos’ in the North of the country.

“We’ll be sending them to the sort of territories that Cartographers are afraid of; places like Burnley,” commented a government source close to the matter.

Petrified groups of gaysexual men are set to be re-un-settled into small pockets in the centre of former industrial towns, long past their revolutionary peak. However, signalled by the exposure of one gay’s pale buttocks with the words ‘Gentrify This!’ written across them, a Luddite resistance to the relocation programme has begun.

“We’re not a social regeneration project; we’re real people too don’t you know,” cried one unfortunate sod with an uncanny resemblance to Mika.

The science behind this massive economic generalisation is simple. Single - and coupled - gay man-folk have higher disposable incomes, don’t often get pregnant in their teenage years, have a higher appreciation for aesthetics, only carry the ‘good aids’ and don’t seek to collect ASBOs as if they were notches on a bedpost. I’ll do the math(s) for you: Homosexual + Ikea–laden property = higher median house prices.

Real estate statistics for lesbians meanwhile, tell an altogether different story of woe, peril and affordable housing.

So, if you’re looking to sell your house in this most turbulent of turbulent economic times, just put a gay on the doorstep with a gin and tonic in hand and watch as it gets Foxtons’ed the shit out of by first time buyers aplenty.