A memo outlining an imminent shift in United States strategy within the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region was leaked late Monday night from the office of US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates.

The report requests an immediate withdrawl of unmanned spy drones, as well as a complete pullout of all Allied ground forces in the area. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior State Department official confirmed early Tuesday morning that hooligan elements within the supporters’ ranks of London-based football club Millwall FC will replace all current NATO operatives in the border region by week’s end.

“So as not to unnecessarily imperil the brave men and women valiantly fighting the resurgent Taliban in and around the Khyber Pass, the United States Armed Forces have agreed, in principle, to momentarily yield their front-line responsibilities to roughly 2500 Englishmen known as the ‘Millwall Bushwackers’ (sic),” the official was quoted as saying. “We are hopeful that the Bushwackers, as a non-state entity, will be mistaken by local authorities for poorly dressed, obscenely intoxicated, and overtly fascist sheep herders as they first conduct a cross-border raid into Peshawar, then continue on through the remainder of the troublesome, tribally-governed province.”

The Bushwackers’ objectives are to be determined as the situation on the ground provides, though in a telephone conversation early Tuesday, Powers White, the delightfully named leader of the hooligan firm, offered what we believe to be a cider-and-cocaine-clouded glimpse into the strategy that his ’soldiers’ plan to execute.

“Right, then. Remember Cardiff City away back in ‘05, when we tore the fuckin’ roof off that shite ground and stabbed loads of Old Bill?” he started, “It’s gonna be like that, except instead of steaming into a bunch of sheep-shagging, Welsh-as-fuck tossers, this time we’re gifted a bunch of *unprintable racist term*. Like, real-fuckin’-life *unprintable racist term*! No police horses, no CCTV, no passport surrendering, none of the typical bollocks.

“What’s better, the Yanks are giving us real-as-fuck guns to shoot the *unprintable racist term* with, and have offered a written guarantee that we’ll ‘not be prosecuted for the events that transpire’,” White’s voice rising, “I don’t even know what the fuck that means, but the lads are going fucking mental about it – plus, we hear there’s loads of one-hundred per cent pure smack in the area.”

“I’m just overwhelmed, innit,” he conluded. “Guns, knives, CS gas, pool cues, drugs, the fuckin’ works… Me bitch Fantazious is all nervous like, ‘Wot if youz don’t come back then?’, so I gave her £200 and sent her to buy enough smack to forget I’m even gone – she’s fuckin’ lucky to have a bloke like me, innit?”

The conversation concluded abruptly when White was interrupted by a junior officer’s nervously excited shriek, “Inter-City Firm! Outside! Now!”, but as of press time it appears that none of the Bushwackers are familiar with the local Pashto dialect, nor, it seems, do they have any desire to learn even the most basic tenets of what an un-named youth yob described as “Balagalagadaka-no-fuckin’-clue-speak… Does it really fuckin’ matter? Right, Peshawar, same as fuckin’ Leeds, just a town full of *unprintable racist term*”