Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.”

Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, with Mogadishu’s most recent running street battles resulting in a complete and total collapse of observable or functioning governance.

The first suggestions of transforming the country into a theme park were proposed following the box office success of the hilarious 2001 film “Black Hawk Down”, Mr. Ban explained. Yet in the wake of the world’s witnessing the incredible scenes of brazen piracy in the Gulf of Aden throughout 2008, Mr. Ban purposefully asserted that “The market has spoken, and we have been left with little choice but to provide an opportunity for others to discover this shit-box hidden gem.”

Advertised as “The Last Holiday of a Lifetime”, the failed-state-sized resort will charge its guests £300 for seven days and six nights, with half to be paid prior to arrival, and the other half to be paid if when the guest returns home.

Mr. Ban listed a number of attractions that are sure to lure the adventurous sort, such as “Atrocity Sunny Monday”, which “provides guests the chance to participate in their very own genocide cultural interactions alongside ethnic Ethiopians in the Somaliland region,” as well as “24 Hours of Hell Formula One’s Mogadishu Grand Prix”, a day-long ride through the capital city in which guests “are at the complete mercy of all sixty-seven of the city’s khat-chewing, rivaling warlords other competitors”. The latter, Mr. Ban explained, is not unlike Disney’s “Tower of Terror” in Orlando.

To culminate “The Last Holiday of a Lifetime”, guests will spend the final weekend of their lives experiencing the “completely one-of-a-kind” waters of the Gulf of Aden. As passengers on speedboats embarking from the Puntland region, the tourists will aid in the discovery, hijacking, and ransom negotiations of commercial freighters, all while hoping to avoid the lurking American and Indian destroyers which have understandably increased their patrols in the region will enjoy the calm seas and bright sunlight.

An extensive medical check will be required of potential guests, Mr. Ban explains, “…because the United Nations can not provide assurances of protection for anyone… Ever. No, really – our track record is worse than that of a copper mine in the Congo.” (ed: See also: Rwanda, 1994; Bosnia, 1995; the Sudan, 2003-)

Similar ventures for other nations are reportedly in the works. The Sudan, North Korea, Zimbabwe, and France are all being touted as possible Hells on Earth sequel parks, with the successor expected to be chosen this summer.