Tag archive for ‘Animals’
Hudson River Landing sends FBI on Wild Goose Chase
14 days after Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger was promoted to ‘National Hero’ status by a nation of over-enthusiastic US Airways air miles customers, the U.S. secret service has successfully followed a trail of guilty-tears to those responsible for US Airways Flight 1549 falling out of the sky.
While the public happily consumed the theory that by-standing birds [...]
Somalia to Become a Theme Park, United Nations Announces
Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.”
Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, with [...]
Asexual Government Types Outlaw “Extreme Porn”
In an attempt to take the shine off a return-home after a Friday night out, and the clandestine destruction of a quick trip to the bathroom with your Blackberry following a mandatory health and safety meeting, the British Government has only gone and banned “Extreme Porn”.
I mean, I’m not entirely sure what extreme porn is [...]
Emergency water landing – 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.
Tyler Durden was wrong people! Brad Pitt and his anarchic portraits of hopeless post-modernity can suck it.
Pilot, Chesley B ‘Sully’ Sullenberger III, yesterday saved the lives of 155 people, after some geese attempted to take down his plane in what is being heralded as the first attempt by the animal kingdom to reclaim their leadership [...]
Google Kills Fairies
A Harvard physicist claimed today that every time the Google search engine is used a desktop computer produces about 7g CO2. The mysterious amount was equated to “boiling a kettle” or a “long, hot fart.” The damage this amount of CO2 causes is unknown but has been gestimated to “kill at least one fairy.”
The [...]
You’ve all been little shits, so Santa isn’t coming
You already know don’t you? It’s three days before Christmas and you haven’t even bothered looking in the cellar for your presents have you. You know Santa isn’t coming this year and you know why.
It’s because you’ve been a little shit. Don’t single yourself out though. We all have. The world’s fucked and it’s all [...]
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