Tag archive for ‘Drugs’
Government Drugs Advisor Resigns Over X Factor Row
Leading scientist Professor David Knutt was sacked today by Home Secretary Alan Johnson for suggesting watching The X Factor was less harmful than alcohol or tobacco. Prof Knutt, who made headlines earlier this year for claiming that watching Britain’s Got Talent is no more dangerous than taking ecstasy, chaired an independent Advisory Council for 18 [...]
Pistol-Whipping Drug Lords ‘Get Loco Down in Acapulco’
Everybody knows that Mexico is only good for three things: its tasty burritos, infectious swine flu and ‘the drugs’. And, it was the latter of Mexico’s three biggest exports – the drugs – which this weekend brought one of its sunny, sing-a-long, beach resorts (that everybody has heard of yet nobody knows why they do) [...]
Saying “Yes” to Drugs Will Save the Country Billions
At some point or other we’ve all wondered into a house party only to see Michael Phelps slumped in a corner taking a ‘ripple’ on a so-called ‘bong’. In the same vein several of my peers have reliably informed me that on occasion their friends have tried to friend-pressure them into taking “one of the [...]
Pete Wentz Ditches the Guyliner, Joins Hamas
Chicago – In a move that has stunned the ever-so-cock-fondlingly-vain world of Perez Hilton, TMZ, and the like, Fall Out Boy bassist/lyricist/all-things-”hipster Brooklyn”-entrepreneur Pete Wentz announced today that he has signed a two-year, 72-virgin deal with Hamas, the Palestinian terror juggernaut best known for getting itself and the people it purports to represent completely annihilated [...]
Government’s proposed ID card system scrapped, as apparently everybody is already following everybody else
Contrary to popular belief human endeavour is a craze that has been around since at least the 1820’s; it wasn’t invented just recently by Lucozade’s marketing team in a shameless attempt at rebranding a nasty little orange(ish) flavoured drink that fails to stimulate neither body, mind or imagination. In at least somebody’s lifetime man has [...]
Somalia to Become a Theme Park, United Nations Announces
Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.” Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, [...]
Report: Millwall Hooligans Tapped to Oust Al-Qaeda from Pakistan’s North-West Frontier Province
A memo outlining an imminent shift in United States strategy within the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region was leaked late Monday night from the office of US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. The report requests an immediate withdrawl of unmanned spy drones, as well as a complete pullout of all Allied ground forces in the area. Speaking [...]
Belgians Attempt to Destroy Brit’s Sexy-Time Lives by Keeping Us ‘Oh So Very’ Bald
Baldness is a legacy inherited from a man’s parents and there used to be nothing that he could do about it – except of course wearing a hat, growing a Bobby Charlton combover, sporting a toupee, purchasing a… wig, living in denial screaming at people caught staring at the two clumps of hair on either [...]
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