Tag archive for ‘Gangsters’
Damn It Feels Good To Be A Carbon-Neutral Gangster
A research paper recently published by the Department of Social Affairs has found that on a city-by-city basis London’s gangsters are the most carbon-friendly in the world. “Having a high carbon footprint is like putting the planet on death row just so that we can shamelessly enjoy our ‘last meal’ from it. It just isn’t [...]
Turkmenistan President: “No Such Thing as Bad Press”
Ashgabat - Gurbanguly Mälikgulyýewiç Berdimuhamedov, (the actual name of the) President of the Central Asian nation Turkmenistan, hailed United Nations condemnation of human rights practices in his country early Sunday as “long-overdue recognition of our national sport.” Mr. Berdimuhammedov, a one-time dentist who rapidly ascended to power following the 2006 death of then-Turkmenbashi (”leader of all [...]
Somalia to Become a Theme Park, United Nations Announces
Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.” Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, [...]
Report: Millwall Hooligans Tapped to Oust Al-Qaeda from Pakistan’s North-West Frontier Province
A memo outlining an imminent shift in United States strategy within the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region was leaked late Monday night from the office of US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. The report requests an immediate withdrawl of unmanned spy drones, as well as a complete pullout of all Allied ground forces in the area. Speaking [...]
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