Tag archive for ‘Guns’
Pete Wentz Ditches the Guyliner, Joins Hamas
Chicago – In a move that has stunned the ever-so-cock-fondlingly-vain world of Perez Hilton, TMZ, and the like, Fall Out Boy bassist/lyricist/all-things-”hipster Brooklyn”-entrepreneur Pete Wentz announced today that he has signed a two-year, 72-virgin deal with Hamas, the Palestinian terror juggernaut best known for getting itself and the people it purports to represent completely annihilated [...]
Turkmenistan President: “No Such Thing as Bad Press”
Ashgabat - Gurbanguly Mälikgulyýewiç Berdimuhamedov, (the actual name of the) President of the Central Asian nation Turkmenistan, hailed United Nations condemnation of human rights practices in his country early Sunday as “long-overdue recognition of our national sport.” Mr. Berdimuhammedov, a one-time dentist who rapidly ascended to power following the 2006 death of then-Turkmenbashi (”leader of all [...]
Somalia to Become a Theme Park, United Nations Announces
Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.” Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, [...]
Report: Millwall Hooligans Tapped to Oust Al-Qaeda from Pakistan’s North-West Frontier Province
A memo outlining an imminent shift in United States strategy within the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region was leaked late Monday night from the office of US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. The report requests an immediate withdrawl of unmanned spy drones, as well as a complete pullout of all Allied ground forces in the area. Speaking [...]
You’ve all been little shits, so Santa isn’t coming
You already know don’t you? It’s three days before Christmas and you haven’t even bothered looking in the cellar for your presents have you. You know Santa isn’t coming this year and you know why. It’s because you’ve been a little shit. Don’t single yourself out though. We all have. The world’s fucked and it’s [...]
Load your mags, cock your hammer, and check your safety at the door because it’s smash and grab time at Woolworths
On Black Friday in the USA a man was trampled to death at a Walmart offering massive pre-Christmas savings. The American public’s above-and-beyond willingness to not only tackle the continuing worldwide financial meltdown by furiously spending on unnecessary goods, but also show off their enthusiasm through extreme shopping related violence, has encouraged British businesses to [...]
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