Tag archive for ‘Money’
Bank of England says ‘fuck it’ and wheels out printing presses
The Bank of England has finally given into the temptation of Zimbabwean fiscal policy in the face of the ever more disparate downturn in the world’s fiscal fortunes. Despite Gordon Browns best efforts to tongue America’s bumhole into believing that he has the power to save us all, the national bank today reduced interests rates [...]
Turkmenistan President: “No Such Thing as Bad Press”
Ashgabat - Gurbanguly Mälikgulyýewiç Berdimuhamedov, (the actual name of the) President of the Central Asian nation Turkmenistan, hailed United Nations condemnation of human rights practices in his country early Sunday as “long-overdue recognition of our national sport.” Mr. Berdimuhammedov, a one-time dentist who rapidly ascended to power following the 2006 death of then-Turkmenbashi (”leader of all [...]
Nation Applauds Wunch of Bankers for Saving Capitalism from the Clutches of… Whatever the Opposite of Capitalism is
This week saw the first annual day of eulogizing and exalting Britain’s banking hero’s, who have in a very round-about way saved our Great nation from certain financial armageddon. While both the employed and the unemployed – who number pretty much the same according to official looking statistics – took to the streets to celebrate [...]
Hedge Funds Hypothetically Kill Ugandan Orphans
Even if you grew up under a stone near a stream; even if you live under a missile-battered building near Israel; and even if you only ever learned how to read print, there is no way you could have avoided the news this week that those Hedge Fund folk have – once again – been [...]
Citigroup Execs Terrified By Prospect of Flying in Claustrophobic 1st Class
Citigroup executives have reacted angrily to demands from officials in the Obama administration to halt a purchase of a $50 million corporate jet. Having been bailed out yesterday to the tune of $45 billion, the company was told that the jet would be a non-starter. “Maybe that skinny little fuck can fit into one of [...]
Somalia to Become a Theme Park, United Nations Announces
Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.” Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, [...]
Report: Millwall Hooligans Tapped to Oust Al-Qaeda from Pakistan’s North-West Frontier Province
A memo outlining an imminent shift in United States strategy within the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region was leaked late Monday night from the office of US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. The report requests an immediate withdrawl of unmanned spy drones, as well as a complete pullout of all Allied ground forces in the area. Speaking [...]
In a bid to stifle consumer pessimism, Government cancels the news.
In an unprecedented move, the British Government have staged a takeover at the BBC where they have shut down their news department leaving the above sparse, headline-less page. A government spokesperson said outside the BBC studios, “We’ll fuck all else was working so we’ve taken a leaf out of Kim Jong-Il’s book of good governance [...]
Massive RBS losses beg the question: Who is hiding all the money under their floorboards?
I know what your thinking. Sounds serious. Is Cultsha broadening its scope and entering the field of mainstream investigative journalism. Yes is the answer. And the answers isn’t what i got. RBS announced this morning that the bank’s expected losses for 2008 are to be the largest ever for a UK business. The banks losses [...]
You’ve all been little shits, so Santa isn’t coming
You already know don’t you? It’s three days before Christmas and you haven’t even bothered looking in the cellar for your presents have you. You know Santa isn’t coming this year and you know why. It’s because you’ve been a little shit. Don’t single yourself out though. We all have. The world’s fucked and it’s [...]
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