Tag archive for ‘Obama’
Obama to “fuck them China Ninjas up”
Last night a potential conflict was brewing in the South China Sea after U.S. President Barack Obama dispatched heavily armed American destroyers to the scene of a naval standoff between the US and China. Obama announced that his “fingers were itchy” and that he was” tired of all this maths bullshit and ready to start nuking ninjas” [...]
Turkmenistan President: “No Such Thing as Bad Press”
Ashgabat - Gurbanguly Mälikgulyýewiç Berdimuhamedov, (the actual name of the) President of the Central Asian nation Turkmenistan, hailed United Nations condemnation of human rights practices in his country early Sunday as “long-overdue recognition of our national sport.” Mr. Berdimuhammedov, a one-time dentist who rapidly ascended to power following the 2006 death of then-Turkmenbashi (”leader of all [...]
Hudson River Landing sends FBI on Wild Goose Chase
14 days after Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger was promoted to ‘National Hero’ status by a nation of over-enthusiastic US Airways air miles customers, the U.S. secret service has successfully followed a trail of guilty-tears to those responsible for US Airways Flight 1549 falling out of the sky. While the public happily consumed the theory that by-standing [...]
Citigroup Execs Terrified By Prospect of Flying in Claustrophobic 1st Class
Citigroup executives have reacted angrily to demands from officials in the Obama administration to halt a purchase of a $50 million corporate jet. Having been bailed out yesterday to the tune of $45 billion, the company was told that the jet would be a non-starter. “Maybe that skinny little fuck can fit into one of [...]
Somalia to Become a Theme Park, United Nations Announces
Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.” Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, [...]
Report: Millwall Hooligans Tapped to Oust Al-Qaeda from Pakistan’s North-West Frontier Province
A memo outlining an imminent shift in United States strategy within the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region was leaked late Monday night from the office of US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. The report requests an immediate withdrawl of unmanned spy drones, as well as a complete pullout of all Allied ground forces in the area. Speaking [...]
‘The bridge to somewhere…’ Republicans announce dream ‘12 Palin-Palin ticket
So, it’s pretty much official; two days in to the tenure of one Barack H. Obama, the red-faced, red-badged Republican Party have already launched their dream double-ticket for what is now just being called ‘12 (The scheduled 2012 Presidential Election)… Under the well smart campaign slogan of: ‘The bridge to somewhere’, the Elephant Party [...]
I HOPE we can find enough CHANGE to pay for all this…
When Barrack Obama – or Kaka – isn’t dominating the front, back and interim pages of any slightly news-related publication on any given day, it’s the bloody recession that dominates the headlines. Two successive quarters of negative growth means my shiny, 3-door Porsche has been repossessed this, the credit crunch, means I can’t buy pick-and-mix [...]
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