Tag archive for ‘satire’
Chile Quake Punishment for Catholicism, say Evangelicals
The massive earthquake that struck Chile on Saturday was punishment from God for a “pact with the Pope”, American televangelist Pat Robertson has claimed.
The tremor, which measured 8.8 on the Richter scale, is the latest in a line of punishments sent down from above, he said. It followed recent earthquakes in California and Haiti, blamed [...]
Next Parliament Will Be ‘Hung’, Boasts Clegg
The next parliament could be “the best hung parliament in recent British history”, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has claimed. His comments came in response to an ICM opinion poll that showed the gap between the three main parties narrowing ahead of this year’s general election.
“I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but the more seats [...]
Pretty Girl Also Good Skier
Attractive female Lindsey Vonn has stunned the world after demonstrating competence in her chosen profession of proceeding quickly down a snow-covered mountain. The 25-year-old American lovely turned in an outstandingly skilled, elegant and pert performance in claiming the gold medal in the ladies’ downhill event at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.
Media commentators and Olympic officials [...]
Climate Change ‘All Lies’, Admits Science
Theories that the earth’s climate is changing as a result of human activity have been acknowledged as an elaborate joke perpetuated by almost all of the world’s climate scientists.
“It was good while it lasted,” said Rajendra Pachauri, chair of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), “but it’s time we came clean. Global warming was [...]
‘I Just Wanted to Fuck Saddam Up,’ Blair Tells Iraq Inquiry
In a stunning and uncharacteristic bout of openness, former UK prime minister Tony Blair has told the Chilcot inquiry into the Iraq war that he took Britain into the conflict with no motivation except “to fuck Saddam up”.
The outburst, which appears to have fully vindicated all protestors and critics of the war, came in response [...]
Iran Football Chief Sorry for Forgetting Non-Existence of ‘Israel’
The president of the Iranian Football Federation (IFF), Ali Kaffashian, has apologised for his organisation’s strange and confusing decision to send a New Year’s greeting to a fictional country. The IFF’s foreign affairs chief Mohammad-Manour Azimzadeh has also resigned, taking responsibility for the mistake.
The made-up state, ‘Israel’, which is thought to be a figment of [...]
Brown Demands Faster Knee Jerks to Tackle Terrorism
Knee-jerk reactions to the attempted US plane bombing on Christmas Day have not been fast enough, prime minister Gordon Brown has claimed.
“If we hope to catch terrorists off-guard, we must demand much swifter deployment of strategic anti-terrorist knee movements,” he said on BBC One’s Andrew Marr Show. “By delaying, we are only giving them a [...]
‘Tiger Woods, Lady Gaga Facebook Sex’ Story Fails to Boost Web Traffic
A suggestive story implying a Facebook-related link between golfer Tiger Woods, musician Lady Gaga and the word ’sex’ has failed to produce any discernible increase in web traffic for gossip website Pimpsandhos.com, much to the publisher’s disappointment.
Despite repeated mentions of the disgraced sports star Tiger Woods in close proximity to in-vogue singer Lady Gaga and [...]
NFL Players to Donate Brains After Retirement
American football’s NFL has encouraged players to give permission for their brains to be removed and used for scientific study at the end of their sporting lives. High-profile players such as Ben Roethlisberger, Brian Westbrook and Kurt Warner have already been convinced with surprising ease to sign up to the [...]
BA to Attempt to Halt Christmas in Court
British Airways, reeling from the recent announcement that its cabin crew plan to strike for twelve days over Christmas, has begun legal action against the Christian Church, in the hope that they can suspend the religious holiday.
It is understood that the tactic is designed to nullify the threat of the festive walkout, by obtaining a [...]
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