Tag archive for ‘satire’
Paul Gascoigne Named UK Ambassador to UN
Former England footballer Paul Gascoigne has been named the UK’s ambassador to the UN, after driving all the way from Newcastle to ask for the job. Gascoigne, known to millions as ‘Gazza’, turned up at UN headquarters in New York on Friday night claiming to be a friend of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Just let [...]
Local Man Defies Hose Pipe Ban
A man in Northern Cumbria has reportedly defied a recently imposed hose pipe ban and proceeded to freely water his flower bed while apparently wearing a, “horrifying and unrepentant look of ambivalence.” John Harrows was said by neighbours to have been liberally hydrating his plants in broad daylight on Wednesday afternoon, despite receiving a letter [...]
England Mathematically Certain to Win World Cup
Bookmakers have begun paying out for bets on the winners of football’s World Cup after analysts at JP Morgan put the result beyond doubt, calculating to a degree of mathematical certainty that the victors will be England. Using a ‘quant’ model for calculating risk and probability, these so-called ‘Masters of the Universe’ have concluded that [...]
Cameron Named Election Winner After Five-Day Ad Break
British television viewers were forced to wait with baited breath to learn that prime minister Gordon Brown had been evicted from 10 Downing Street, after a dramatic pause segued into a five-day break for commercials. Unusually for the UK, general election results were announced in a ‘reality TV’ style, with a lingering hesitation during which [...]
Fruit Won’t Save You, Study Finds
A major new scientific study of morbidity and mortality, covering millions of subjects from across the world, has found that you are definitely going to die, no matter how much fruit you eat. “Frankly, you’re screwed,” said Gerry Fitzpatrick, principal author of the study. “You can eat as much fruit and veg as you like, [...]
Large Hadron Collider Creates ‘Mini Big Bang’, or ‘Bang’
The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the particle accelerator at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN), has succeeded in creating what reports are calling a “mini Big Bang”, also known as a “Bang”. The Bang occurred on Tuesday afternoon, when beams of protons collided at record speeds within the 17-mile long circular tunnel located underground [...]
Chile Quake Punishment for Catholicism, say Evangelicals
The massive earthquake that struck Chile on Saturday was punishment from God for a “pact with the Pope”, American televangelist Pat Robertson has claimed. The tremor, which measured 8.8 on the Richter scale, is the latest in a line of punishments sent down from above, he said. It followed recent earthquakes in California and Haiti, [...]
Next Parliament Will Be ‘Hung’, Boasts Clegg
The next parliament could be “the best hung parliament in recent British history”, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has claimed. His comments came in response to an ICM opinion poll that showed the gap between the three main parties narrowing ahead of this year’s general election. “I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but the more [...]
Pretty Girl Also Good Skier
Attractive female Lindsey Vonn has stunned the world after demonstrating competence in her chosen profession of proceeding quickly down a snow-covered mountain. The 25-year-old American lovely turned in an outstandingly skilled, elegant and pert performance in claiming the gold medal in the ladies’ downhill event at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Media commentators and Olympic [...]
Climate Change ‘All Lies’, Admits Science
Theories that the earth’s climate is changing as a result of human activity have been acknowledged as an elaborate joke perpetuated by almost all of the world’s climate scientists. “It was good while it lasted,” said Rajendra Pachauri, chair of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), “but it’s time we came clean. Global warming [...]
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