Tag archive for ‘Terrorism’
Brown Demands Faster Knee Jerks to Tackle Terrorism
Knee-jerk reactions to the attempted US plane bombing on Christmas Day have not been fast enough, prime minister Gordon Brown has claimed. “If we hope to catch terrorists off-guard, we must demand much swifter deployment of strategic anti-terrorist knee movements,” he said on BBC One’s Andrew Marr Show. “By delaying, we are only giving them [...]
Abu Qatada Funds Own Terrorism Using Ingenious Financial Looping
In a confusing turn of events, Abu Qatada, one of Britains most high-profile Al-quaeda detainees, has managed to raise funds that may be used to fund terrorism, by being arrested and detained for funding terrorism. European judges today awarded the radical preacher Abu Qatada compensation of £2,500 after ruling that his detention without trial after [...]
Pete Wentz Ditches the Guyliner, Joins Hamas
Chicago – In a move that has stunned the ever-so-cock-fondlingly-vain world of Perez Hilton, TMZ, and the like, Fall Out Boy bassist/lyricist/all-things-”hipster Brooklyn”-entrepreneur Pete Wentz announced today that he has signed a two-year, 72-virgin deal with Hamas, the Palestinian terror juggernaut best known for getting itself and the people it purports to represent completely annihilated [...]
Hudson River Landing sends FBI on Wild Goose Chase
14 days after Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger was promoted to ‘National Hero’ status by a nation of over-enthusiastic US Airways air miles customers, the U.S. secret service has successfully followed a trail of guilty-tears to those responsible for US Airways Flight 1549 falling out of the sky. While the public happily consumed the theory that by-standing [...]
Somalia to Become a Theme Park, United Nations Announces
Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.” Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, [...]
Report: Millwall Hooligans Tapped to Oust Al-Qaeda from Pakistan’s North-West Frontier Province
A memo outlining an imminent shift in United States strategy within the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region was leaked late Monday night from the office of US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. The report requests an immediate withdrawl of unmanned spy drones, as well as a complete pullout of all Allied ground forces in the area. Speaking [...]
Obama ready to just start nuking fucking everybody
Barack Obama, who will today be inaugurated as America 44th president, is expected to enter the Oval Office with an itchy trigger finger. While, most of the hippies, left-wingers, coffee-drinking bloggers with non-prescription glasses, and naive high schoolers will tell you that Obama has a “face like an innocent child” with a “smile that makes [...]
Emergency water landing – 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.
Tyler Durden was wrong people! Brad Pitt and his anarchic portraits of hopeless post-modernity can suck it. Pilot, Chesley B ‘Sully’ Sullenberger III, yesterday saved the lives of 155 people, after some geese attempted to take down his plane in what is being heralded as the first attempt by the animal kingdom to reclaim their [...]
Glitz and Glamour at the Closing of Guantanamo
It has been announced that Barack Obama, the soon-to-be-sworn-in President of the United States, is to close Guantanamo Bay on his first day in office. To mark the event a closing ceremony featuring music, celebrities, as well as a few surprises, is being planned. The closure of the controversial prison is seen as essential for [...]
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