Ugg boots slow down the evolution of the human race and leave wearers looking bow-legged to the point that their legs appear to be melting. These are the findings of a scientific study conducted by the Posture Foundation (PF) – maker of much more sensible-fitting shoes – who have been following around twelve separate Ugg wearers for the past twelve months. As a result of the year-long survey, the PF has called for Ugg boots to be taken off of Britain’s feet, with immediate effect. The reason: concern for the posture of future generations. ‘We simply can’t be having people dragging their feet along the floor all the time,’ a PF spokesperson commented. ‘It’s physically slowing down the evolution of the human race. But more importantly, it’s not very becoming.’

Ugg boots have been Australia’s most successful export since the Aussie-themed bar chain Walkabout first hit out shores. Originally worn by Aussie sheep shearers, who aren’t known for their sartorical thought, the boots have become increasingly popular in urban centres and living rooms across suburbia alike.

With most of the northern hemisphere enduring the longest cold snap since at least last winter, the call for the abolishing of Uggs by the PF is likely to be met with some hostility. However, amidst a backlash of ‘oh, but they’re just so warm for my feet’, the PF has found a friend. The call for Ugg-boot-banning has been backed by the Native American lobby in Whitehall. The Indians (feathered) have seen sales of their number one cash crop: moccasins, plummet over the last few years while sales of Uggs have shot north. A rather bitter “Warm Foot”, leader of the modern day Cherokee tribe (North London chapter), commented: ‘Moccasins are for real men; Uggs are for suburban wannabe cowboys who seldom leave the house if the temperature outside falls below 25 degrees centigrade.’

The indigenous leader went on to say that the media storm surrounding the call for banning Ugg boots is on par with – if not worse – the battle of little big foot, which his tribe fought bravely in all those years ago. The only difference now being, of course, is that the natives are fighting through democratic channels instead of with bows and arrows.