Change is always bad. Everyone knows that. Stagnation is the key to efficiency and productivity. As long as everyone has enough Peruvian Coffee in their system everything normally is fine. Which is why Captain Obama, saviour of socialism, demanding that US carmakers find a way to cut costs is simply ridiculous. Wait…

President Barack Obama promised today that he would not allow America’s motor manufacturing industry to vanish but demanded more “painful” concessions from workers at General Motors (GM) and Chrysler. Continuing the tough tone his Administration has taken with the carmakers, President Obama said that some jobs would not be saved and some manufacturing plants would remain closed despite the best efforts to turn the companies around.

Obama, speaking following the release last night of documents in which the White House set out its key findings on GM and Chrysler, said “From our review of the inner workings of the companies we have discovered that between them they have managed to spend over $12 million dollars on pencils in the past six months. I haven’t used a pencil since i was four. Most of the staff aren’t even aware of the plurality of the Internets. No-one is even using Twitter.”

Other details released in the White House paper revealed that even when they knew they were on the verge of bankruptcy, Chrysler and GM continued to squander massive amounts of cash of ridiculous things. Examples stated include:

• There is a storage facility in South Michigan that contains over four million cars that were ‘mislaid’ in 2004
• The cleaning staff at one plant we’re lent the Chrysler private jet for a trip to a conference in Slovakia on the useful applications of the ShamWow.
• R&D documents show that for the past four years GM have been working on increasing the size of cars to match incorrect research that predicts the average US family will contain over 12 members by 2015. A vehicle slated for production at the end of this year contained 34 seats and was only able to run at 7MPG.
• Energy bills show that plants ran through the night even though no cars were produced at that time. It has been suggested this was because no role had been created to indicate responsibility for turning off machines and it was therefore never done.
• There are over 40000 employees on the Chrysler books who have never clocked into work and have been paid full wages over the past 30 years.

In response to Obama’s veiled threats that the US government will refuse to financially aid the car companies if they refuse to adhere to the strict cost cutting measures, General Motors released the following statement:

If that newbie thinks he can come in and just say “oh you got too many staff just hanging out drinking coffee and blogging instead of making cars, you gotta fire somebody if you want to make some money,” well he’s wrong. We create jobs, and spend money, and fucking build massive fuck off cars for mudding around suburbia. And if he wont give us some money then we’ll just go to the courts, file for bankruptcy and start all over again when we get a corporate loving Republican government back in office. Everybody will just have to walk for a while.”

When it was suggested to a GM spokesperson that the American public wouldn’t in fact have to walk and would simply buy cars from foreign manufacturers he responded by asking “What the fuck is com-pe-ti-tion? And while we’re here can anyone define this recession thing people keep shouting about“