It’s official, the good times are over: Britain’s 13-year-long loan of a VHS copy of Titanic from a movie rental store in Twickenham has cost the country dear. In his Emergency Budget speech today, Chancellor George Osborne was left red-faced after opening the Budget briefcase to find only a £60bn bill from the bailiffs inside. Mr. Osborne informed the Commons that a copy of Kate Winslet’s seminal work, which was rented by the Labour government back in 1997 on an overnight-return policy, has left the country’s finances in tatters.

As a result of the UK government’s blatant disregard of Star Video’s strict returns policy, the bailiffs have been called in to collect the unpaid fine. Along with the contents of the Chancellor Budget briefcase, which Mr. Osborne claims included some small change and some back-of-a-fag-packet plans for the economy, a number of senior ministers have also seen their personal effects commandeered by the debt collectors. Such items include Prime Minister David Cameron’s bicycle, Major of London Boris Johnson’s secret-formula hair spray and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg’s smile. All of the aforementioned items are expected to be returned to their owners upon full payment of the £60 billion deficit.

Mr. Osborne claims to have been in knowledge of the video club debt since the coalition took power at the start of May, but hadn’t expected it to have been quite so crippling. “The interest they’re charging on this rental is ridiculous. Nobody even watches VHS anymore anyway. This is ridiculous,” he commented.

Removing himself and his party from any blame for the brutal fiscal austerity us Britons are set to endure for the next half century, Mr. Osborne was quick to remind the Commons who was responsible. “The free-spending Labour government thought it was above late-fees.”

Mr. Osborne added, “Gordon knew about it all along. In fact, I have it on good faith that Gordon watched the film until the tape wore out while he was in office at Number 10.”

When questioned over his alleged role in the video rental, Mr. Brown, the former Prime Minister, didn’t hesitate to pass the buck to one-time friend Tony Blair. “The video tape’s not even mine. Tony must have forged my signature on the membership form when he signed up. Bastard.”

Offering us all a monetary comfort blanket of sorts, Mr. Osborne reminded the country that, “being European, we can always rely on our continental compatriots to make us feel better about ourselves via their own shortcomings.”

Indeed, Star Video has caught out a string of national governments this year who have violated the ‘clear for all to see on the case’ returns code. The Irish government is reported to have a copy of ‘The Commitments’ outstanding, while Spain is known to have forgotten to return its copy of a Penelope Cruz box set, and Italy is still showing a nightly-viewing of ‘Gladiator’ in the main square in Milan using their rented copy of the 2000 hit movie. Worst off, however, is Greece, who has come forward and admitted to having lost its copy of ‘Spartacus’ altogether. As the film is no longer sold on VHS, the Mediterranean nation’s repayment for the lost video is therefore expected to be ongoing until the video club decides otherwise.