Vitamin D “the New Crack” Amongst British Youth
A new threat to the well-being of the British youth has emerged in the form of deadly Vitamin D. The group of fat-soluble prohormones, produced naturally in the skin when exposed to sunlight, is said to be leading to a rising death-toll amongst teenagers who are “addicted to tanning.”
The trend of ‘tanorexia’ is said to be spreading like skin cancer through schools all around England. Children are said to be bullied for having pale skin and referred to in derogatory terms such as ‘transparenty’ and ‘albino day walker,’ while those with a heavy tangerine colour are lauded for their ability to come across as “foreign and mysterious.”
Children as young as four are said to be spending every school lunch break trying to synthetically burn their skin into resembling the slick, leathery look sported by today’s youth-idols; Katie Price and Peter Andre.
Professor Elliott, chairman of the Committee on Medical Aspects of Radiation in the Environment said that studies are showing that many children are saving money that they would normally spend on Crack or Crystal Meth and instead spending it on “hiding the perceived shame of being pale, British, and looking very much like you spend you days in a pitch-black cave.”
“These kids who once would waste the money they had recently stolen from a pensioner on harmless drug abuse are now causing real damage to themselves by literally microwaving their skin on a daily basis.”
Anti-sunbed groups had hoped that the departure of thrice-daily tanning advocate Christiano Ronaldo from Britain might have helped stem the tide of panda-eyed children, but it seems the mentality has become far more ingrained than previously thought.
The incessant sunbedding of teenagers is leading to a dramatic rise in skin-related cancers amongst young children, and up to one hundred deaths are said to have been attributed to the pigment-chasing craze. Kids are said to be demanding that sunbed owners whack up the UVB cancer causing rays to amounts 3-4 times above safe radiation levels in the hope that they too will be able to pretend that they spent the past weekend at all-inclusive Costa De Sol beach resort.
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That Photoshop is brilliantly disgusting and I wish I’d thought of it.
It is a Photoshop, right?
What is this garbage? Is this a real article or some sort of spoof?
I read today in ‘Continue Your Adventure’ that some responsible, ‘on-message’ tanning salons are preventing young people from using the sun-beds as they leave greasy patches – and sometimes the emanati from spots – on the glass. A number are also obeying a voluntary governmental code of conduct, similar to the law which forbids publicans from selling alcohol to drunks, by refusing to allow women who’ve become leathery through over-tanning use their sun-beds. On the website ‘www.myhideisorange.com’ the psychological flaws which prompt the overuse of sun-beds by women are listed; an interesting syndrome is outlined – conceptually similar to Dali’s Paranoic Critical Method – which numerologically correlates a women’s age with the amount of minutes per annum she spends on a sun-bed. It’s interesting because the older – and more leathery – she gets the more she is compelled to accelerate the process by using sun beds but, perversely, the less leathery she believes she is; it also aids the development of an intriguing ‘decolletage’. To quote a post-modern snow-clone, more is less (body-dysmorphically) in this instance. Earlier this year, when women’s magazines generally carried articles about getting ready for summer – slim down, buy oversized sunglasses, have an BCB (brows, chin & bush), Stuff magazine reported a device called a Ubiqui-tan, a head-to-toe suit, including a type of balaclava, made out of a foil-like material which absorbed and inwardly reflected the sun’s rays in a special way and allowed the development and maintenance of an all-over tan. I thought I saw a woman wearing one the other day, but I was wrong. Well, the ‘tan/malignant melanoma’ debate is a big subject, and there’s much more to report which has already been reported, but good luck to leathery chicks I say – they look great!
It’s all true John. Every word.
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Maybe I’m too old and too white – but I think the mahogany look is awful – along with enhanced boobs and permanantly-surprised eyebrows
LOL…thats all i can say