The population of the world was left despairing yesterday after the mediocre R&B singer/mediocre R&B singer basher, Chris Brown, escaped a jail term for assaulting Rihanna.

After Brown was sentenced to just five years probation and 180 days of community service, people with ears everywhere were left ruing the decision to spare the 20 year old from a jail term that properly reflects the damage he has done to music listeners.

Mike Hanley, a representative of the British Society for the Protection of Hearing, said yesterday that the ruling went against, “everything that is just in the world. Now instead of finding himself on the end of a deserved gang rape, Chris Brown will undoubtedly release an entire album, dedicated to Rihanna, about how he just wants to dance, and the girl will inevitably return to him before realising that that title of said new album, Punchbag, isn’t ironic.

Meanwhile a group started in support of Brown, The Coalition of Fifteen Year Old Girls Who Think Rihanna’s A Dirty Slag and Probably Deserved It (CFYGWTRDSPDI), were seen yesterday crying hysterically outside of court and preparing themselves for a life of physical abuse at the hands of an idolised tormentor.

A spokesperson for the group said to reporters in response to the Brown avoiding prison, “ohhhh emmmm geeeee, ohh emm gee, oh em gee, oh em gee, oh em gee, i heart Chris Brown soooooo much,” in an ever-increasing high pitch tone, before exclaiming “that Rihanna’s a slag. The things i would do for just one jaw-breaking punch to the cranium from Chris Brown

Brown in now expected to attend a court date for the hip hop/R&B industry, which deems itself separate from the judicial rulings of normal society in the same manner as the army. Brown is expected to receive a sentence where he will be put over the knee of Jay-Z and spanked until he promises to keep his women beating ways to the privacy of his own home, and the lyrics of his songs.