Santa's money was with Madoff so you can all go fuck yourselves

You already know don’t you? It’s three days before Christmas and you haven’t even bothered looking in the cellar for your presents have you. You know Santa isn’t coming this year and you know why.

It’s because you’ve been a little shit. Don’t single yourself out though. We all have. The world’s fucked and it’s all our fault so this year it’s coal all round.

Was it the decision to re-mortgage the house to the point where even Alistair Darling might have baulked?

Maybe you’re Peaches Geldof

Perhaps it was that letter you wrote to the BBC claiming Russell Brand was a ‘villian and a domino pusher at that’ in response to a radio braodcast you never listened to.

Maybe it was the fact that you used wikipedia to learn how to short sell to earn a quick buck even though you were fully aware from the article you’d read in your Daily Mail that what you were doing was the initial cause of the financial instability that has engulfed the world.

Or the fact you spent all your money in the American-owned Asda instead of paying twice the price at Woolworths and contributing to the downfall of your local stockist of overpriced shite and penny sweets?

Probably you looked at those Miley Cirus pics one too many times

Perhaps you pussied out on your 50 billion dollar fraud by crying to your kids who ratted you out instead of killing them and yourself in murder-murder-suicide like any self-respecting theiving twat…

Or maybe you killed your teenage daughter and wife and horses and dogs and then yourself and set fire to your mansion just so no-one would be able to tell you how much of a fucktard you were after you lost all your millions in dodgy deals you dumb cunt. No fucking present

Possibly it was that message you left on a forum where you encouraged some poor idiot to ‘top yourself then you twat’ in response to the thread ‘I’m going to kill myself live on the internet’

Maybe that you paid to go and watch ‘The Happening,’ M. Night Shyamalan’s film about a suicide virus and other stuff he just picked out of the air and then added Marky Mark to.

Perhaps you’re 7 years old and caused a bloodbath at the zoo by breaking in and feeding turtles to a crocodile you wrong ‘un (this was alright because ultimately it was funny so expect a clementine instead you sick fuck).

Or was it the fact that you made way too many fuck off big cars in a world where gas costs more than gold and then demanded taxpayers money to bail out your piece of shit company while flying around on your private jet and cloud of condescenscion. Cunt.

Maybe it was none of this. Maybe you just read The Metro too much and then talked shit about something you read in there. Or bought a poster sized digital photgraph display you didn’t need. Or watched Strictly Come Dancing for the thrid year in a row. For these reasons everything is ruined. You are to blame.

Accept your coal with grace and promise to do better next year. Twat